Ass and Foot: My experience travelling in traditional platzkart style

In November 2013 my friends and I decided to travel to Kiev, Ukraine during our reading week. Since the cheapest and most traditional method of travel is to travel by train in third class (platzkart), we decided to book it.

I was so excited to travel on a sleeper train again. I’d travelled on one once before when I was fifteen and travelling from Hong Kong to Beijing. It was such an amazing experience; I just ate, read and slept. Heaven. Platzkart, however, was a completely different experience!!! I have no idea why I’d just assumed it’d be the same. Even just googling the word ‘platzkart’ comes up with posts titled, ‘Platzkart Hell’ and ‘Nightmare in Seat #37’ etc. Looking back, I should definitely have researched them beforehand. I obviously would still have travelled platzkart, but I would at least have been a little more prepared.

I kept a diary while I was on the train so you can get a good idea of what I was thinking and experiencing! It’ll be like you’re there with me... lucky you...

And yes, the title ‘Ass and Foot’ does probably give you an idea of what you’re in store for.

Ukraine is two hours behind Russia, but I've kept all of my entries in one time zone (Russia's) in a bid to keep things simple.

5^th November 2013: From Moscow to Kiev

7.30am – I’m currently sat on the elektrichka to Moscow. We left our accommodation in Tver at 5.40am this morning to allow us to get the 6.54am elektrichka to Moscow. Surprisingly the journey’s pretty busy and there are several unappealing smells in the air. 

(I can’t believe we were complaining about the smells on the elektrichka, little did we know what we would be smelling in platzkart!)

*I took a break from diary writing for the first half hour on the train, because I am incapable of doing anything in a simple manner and managed to cause a bit of a commotion when boarding the train.  I spent the first half hour cringing, almost in tears, wishing I was elsewhere. This is why:

We boarded the train and my god, there were beds everywhere. Everywhere! We thought we’d booked bottom beds, but it turned out that we’d ended up with the top bunk beds. Excellent. The people on the bottom bunks had already sat down and made their beds up which meant that we had to manoeuvre around them to sort our beds out. My bed had three sets of bedding piled on it. The woman in the bed below Stefka’s was really nice and told the man below mine to help me move the bedding sets.

Oh hello there commotion! Is it time for you to rear your ugly head? Yes? Great.

This kind Ukrainian man didn’t realise that I’d just put my litre of fanta (in a McDs takeout style cup) on the edge of my bed while I put my bags down. He knocked it off. It crashed to the floor and fanta splashed out ALL over the aisle, our little dormitory, just everywhere. I have never seen fanta coat so many surfaces. It really was the worst situation. We were already a source of amusement on the train, because it’s not very common to get foreigners travelling platzkart, so everyone was already staring at us and then the silly foreign girl went and spilt her drink. Then the tutting began. The heavy sighs and dirty looks as people tried to cross the river of fanta to get to their beds. Then a Ukrainian babushka started shouting at me. I wanted to curl up into a little ball of cringe and just roll off the train.

I do not speak Ukrainian. I do not understand Ukrainian, so stop shouting at me IN UKRAINIAN. I know you’re indicating that you want me to mop it up, but I’m on a fucking train, where exactly are you expecting me to magic a mop from?!

I decided to go to the toilets to get some toilet roll to mop it up with. After pulling on the toilet door for a minute or two (while still being stared/scowled at, might I add), I realised that the door was locked (they only unlock them during transit). So I had to go back to the fanta lake and just deal with it.

I rolled out my mattress, climbed onto my bed (read: coffin) and hid from the babushka, who was still loudly making comments about me.  Once on my bed I apologised to the people below for the spillage, and they just laughed and said it was fine. Phew.

 (The conductor eventually mopped it up)*

1.30pm - I am currently lying on my bed. I have literally half a metre of space to lie in between my bed and the shelf above. Luckily it’s not driving me mad at the moment because I don't mind being all contorted, so I can just about sit up, but I can see this getting old very soon. 

The view from my bed

Stefka on the bed opposite me

Hannah Anderson (left) was the only one out of our
group to get a bottom bunk, so we were able to seek refuge
on it from time to time. It allowed us to sit up straight for a few
minutes, but it wasn't much cooler.

4pm – I have had two hours sleep I think, but I’ve just woken up because it’s too hot. Far too hot. It’s like that exhausting heat that makes all movements a huge effort. I can’t move, I am so hot. We’ve been through 2 passport controls, one leaving Russia and one to get into Ukraine. They’re quite intense. I got told that I needed to be sat on my bed during the control, but due to the lack of space above me, it’s really awkward talking to the officials with my knees either side of my head...

4.56pm - The lights went down and someone's just bumped into my foot ahh. Personal space please?! Ha this reminds me of my friend Kristina who travelled to Kazan and was woken up by a man who was squeezing her foot for absolutely no reason, before just walking off. If someone does that to me I’ll freak out.

5.30pm - The lady in the bed below’s phone keeps ringing and her ringtone is ‘Strangers in The Night’. It’s making me laugh.

6.15pm - I forgot where I’d heard ‘Strangers in The Night’ and started singing it to Stefka. Then I remembered that it’s the woman below’s ring tone and that’s why it’s in my head. She’s definitely heard me. Awkward. I’m going to hide in my bed.

6.25pm - People keep walking through the aisle trying to sell things and they’re also trying to sell things through the big windows when we pull up to stations. They’re selling strange things like teddies, toys, dolls, dried fish and apples.

I’ve decided I’m just going to lie still on my bed while I try to cool down. The lights keep going off so it’s quite difficult to read my book. Anderson has just given me some Pringles.

6.35pm – The heat on this train is really something. I’m just lying, flat on my back all clammy, too exhausted to move. I don’t usually get claustrophobic, but I’m getting a bit like I just want to get the eff off this train. Or at least sit up!!!

7.00pm - There is an overwhelming smell of B.O coming from a nearby man. Excellent. At least we haven’t got too long left now.

*Really strangely (and I can acknowledge just how strange this it), I really don’t mind the smell of B.O. I’m assuming it’s one of those acquired scents like petrol or nail varnish etc? But it’s just not a smell that usually bothers me. This smell, however, was even managing to turn my stomach. The eye-watering/can-taste-it-in-your-mouth strength was just too much.*

7.10pm - We have realised that our journey is an extra two hours long!!! We didn’t take the time difference into account. We thought that when our ticket said arrival time 7.19pm, it would be Russian time. We didn’t click onto the fact that the departure time would be in Russian time and the arrival would be in Ukrainian time. So it’s only 5.10pm in Ukraine right now, meaning we’ve got another 2 hours left!!! Ahhh!! I can’t actually believe that we thought we’d be getting off in 9 minutes, and now there’s another two hours!! THAT’S ALMOST ELEVEN HOURS ON THIS TRAIN! Can’t sleep, it’s too hot, can’t move, it’s too hot! This is not fun! Why didn’t I bring shorts to wear!!! Get me off this train!!

*I was completely and utterly too hot and bothered to write anymore. But you can imagine how those two extra hours were...*

9^th November: From Kiev back to Moscow

7.40pm - We’ve just had quite a hard time trying to board the 7.16pm train and the conductor was really apprehensive about letting us on. We think it’s because the border officials ripped half of our visas off and kept them, when we were on our way into Ukraine. She seemed to be really bothered by this. She just stared at them, kept us all to one side while she let everyone else board and then reluctantly let us on in a this isn’t over kind of way. Urgh! This type of thing really stresses me out! At least we’re on it now. Just a little worried about crossing the border back into Russia!

It was pretty easy to find our beds this time. Once again we’re on the top beds, but at least this time we knew where to get our mattress from and how to sort our beds. I’m currently sat on the lady below me’s bed. I don’t have my bedding yet, but she’s already got hers so she invited me to sit down, which was really nice of her!

7.52pm - She’s just asked me if I’m Hungarian! Haha! 

9.06pm - The smell on this train is really overwhelming. Like, seriously. The absolute nicest way to describe it would be to say that it smells like ass and foot. A lot. It’s like ten times the strength of the journey here and that was BAD. At least it’s not as hot as it was. My bed runs alongside a window, so maybe that’s why I’m marginally cooler?  

9.28pm - I keep burying my face in my book so I can smell ‘new book smell’ instead of ass and foot. It works for a few seconds. This is the reason that I do not and will not ever have a kindle. Stefka has a kindle and what does she have for a bit of ass and foot smell relief, nothing. You can’t smell a screen, Stefka!! Okay, I need to stop writing now so I can bury my face in my book for the next hour or so.

10.15pm - I’m having a bit of a curtain war with the woman in the bunk below. She obviously wants the curtains closed because she’s trying to sleep and she doesn’t want any lights zooming past her window, understandable. I, however, would like the curtains open a little. Not a lot. Only enough so I can fit my hand through and hold onto one of the window bars as I sleep. My bed doesn’t have one of those little cot bar things to make sure that I don’t roll over and fall off my bunk, so holding onto the window bar as I try to sleep is giving me a bit of comfort. But this woman below keeps sneaking the curtains back together whenever I take my hand off the bar. Like now. I’m writing this, so my hand isn’t on the bar, and I can see her slowly sliding the curtains back together. Sneaky fox!!

11.24pm - ICE CREAM. Those crazy sales folk who board the train and roam the carriages trying to sell bizarre things have just managed to make our journey bearable for 6 minutes. One of the ladies was selling ice cream. WHAT A WOMAN. She knew that we were all sweaty and overheating, too heat-fatigued to move. She saved us! Also when we asked her what flavour it was, she just said, “белое” ('beloye'= white) haha. White isn’t a flavour silly lady.

10^th November 2013

2.17am - The conductor has returned given us our migration cards, so we must be getting close to the Russian border.

2.19am - We can’t work out how to fill in our migration cards. Purpose of visit, is it purpose for going to Ukraine, or going back into Russia? Leisure or Education? Dates, does this mean our Ukraine arrival and departure dates.. or original date arriving in Russia and future leaving date? .. or date leaving Ukraine and Russia departure date? We are confused. I think it’s because we know it’s an important document and we don’t want to get it wrong. I’m going to hold off on filling it in until I’ve asked the conductor.

2.21am - Everyone else decided to fill in their form and now we think they’ve made mistakes. My form’s still blank, but the conductor seems to be hiding from us.

2.46am - hahaha I spotted the conductor and because I was the only one out of my coffin bed, I had to run through the carriage to catch her before she vanished again!! It was one of those moments, when you get there, she looks at you and then suddenly you think, ohh my jeez what the am I going to say?! How on earth am I going to explain all of our queries to her in Russian? (She didn’t speak any English). Anyway, somehow I managed to converse with her. Meaning I had to break it to her that our annoying group of foreigners needed 5 new forms. She did not take it well.

3.00am – The conductor keeps checking on us and shouting, “Кошмар!!” (‘koshmar’= nightmare) when we do something wrong. She also upgraded it to ‘Mamma Mia’ when things got really bad.  I didn’t even know that Russians used that as an expression!! The women in the beds nearby keep hiding their faces under their blankets whenever the conductor mutters кошмар at us, because they’re laughing too much at it. So much awkward!! 

4.14am - Man, it smells so bad. It is so clammy and it just smells so, so bad. I feel like I'm trapped in a tin of stench and someone has put that tin in the oven. 

Please take note of all of the overhanging feet contributing to the smell.

As you can imagine, this also contributed to the smell.

5.37am -  We’ve done our border checks now. Thankfully we had no issues! I’ve slept for a little bit on and off, but not a lot. We’re due into Moscow at 9.06am, making this train journey about 14 hours long. To be honest, it’s been a lot more bearable than the first journey!! I think I’m going to try to get a few hours sleep now before we get into Moscow. 

9.52am – By some miracle, we’ve just managed to run and make it onto the train back to Tver!! We literally got on it minutes before the door closed. Also, it seems to be a fancier train. We thought about going to Red Square or for breakfast somewhere in Moscow before catching the elektrichka back home, but Stefka, Jordan and I agreed that we’re all too tired and would love nothing more than to just get home.

*Funnily enough if we had have just nipped to Red Square, we would have seen this gent nailing his testicles into the ground!  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-24896784 

I’m actually a bit gutted that we missed seeing his protest first hand, but that being said, I was so tired that I probably wouldn’t have believed what I was seeing anyway!*

If you ever travel platzkart, I urge you to pack shorts and a vest top to change into, take a lot of water (you will be thankful for the hydration) and be prepared to spend hours on end breathing in some of the foulest, warmest, most pungent smells you'll ever have faced.

I'll leave you with this self-taken photograph of Jordan's face, which manages to perfectly sum up his and all of our feelings about travelling platzkart...

XxX

So, you need another HIV Test, hey?

As you probably know, my first HIV test did NOT go well. In fact, it terrified me and left me living in fear of my second one. If you’ve not read about it, then I’d recommend you do so now, so that you can compare the two (or even just for a laugh at my ordeal). Here's the tragic story of my first HIV test - The HIV Test: So... it turns out I'm a fainter .

I’ve been back for over a month now and after having received my official letter of invitation from Russia a few weeks ago, I had all of the documents that I needed in order to apply for my next visa... that is with the exception of my much needed negative HIV certificate. Not wanting to leave it to the last minute like last time, I decided to go and get it done.  

I did, however, decide to do it differently this time round. I went to London.

If you need to get a HIV test done, GO TO LONDON. The Mortimer Market Centre to be specific. I cannot thank Will Brockbank enough for suggesting this, and I will go to my grave shouting that this is how it should be done.

The Mortimer Market Centre offer free rapid HIV tests and they are so much better than the alternative. I think the best way to show how different it was this time, is to put it in a table, comparing the two.

Arrowe Park Sexual Health Clinic (06/08/13)	London Mortimer Market Centre (15/01/14)
Waiting room attire: Predominantly shell suits (do people still say shell suits?!). Fake tan and a good old scouse brow -a very popular combination.	The London crowd were altogether more stylish. A lot of fur, leather-look garments, DMs and well applied makeup.
When my name was called, I was met by an older lady, Grey Bob (and a scowl). Followed by the ‘are you a fainter or a fitter’ question. Classic.	When my name was called, I was met by a smiling, gorgeous Irish staff nurse (he did give me his name, but I was too swoony to take it in).
Once I told Grey Bob that my HIV test was for a visa application, she pretty much got on with it.	Even with the test being for a visa, the sexual health questions were more intrusive than Grey Bob’s.
A vile of blood was taken from my antecubital fossa, causing me to faint and also causing a lot of bruising on my arm.	The test was done with a finger prick. My finger hurt for about 7 seconds and unsurprisingly, my fingertip did not bruise. And I didn’t even almost faint.
I had to wait for 15 days for the results.	I had results in 60 seconds.
The certificate was supposed to cost £80. (Luckily I didn’t have to pay because they’d not set up their banking yet. However, if I were to go again, I would have had to have paid).	The certificate was free and printed out for me as soon as my results were ready. My train ticket to London obviously is being classed as an expense, but it was only £46 return and would have been cheaper (£25 return) if I’d booked more in advance. A lot cheaper than the £80.
I spent the rest of the day curled up feeling sorry for myself at having fainted for the first time.	I spent the rest of the day sightseeing around London like a huge tourist.

So, to sum up, if you don’t have a service local to you offering you free rapid HIV testing, then I cannot recommend going to London for it enough. Do it. You will not regret it.

Here are some pictures of me having fun in London to convince you.

Greetings from Leicester Square

Tube time.

Buckingham Palace

XxX  

Awkward Silence

Hello!

Okay, so there haven't been any posts in a good while and I realise that's rubbish, sorry! This is for two main reasons:

1) I am not in Russia at the moment, so I didn't think you'd want to read too much about my normal life in the UK. (Although, I'll probably write a summary post about how I've been enjoying all things British before I go back to the Motherland. SO MUCH FOOD HAS BEEN CONSUMED.)
2) I've been working around 25-40 hour weeks since I've been home, so finding the time to blog has been difficult since I fall asleep almost as soon as I get home most nights. I know, I need to calm down. I'm wild.

I'll be working a lot less over the next few weeks though, so I'll finally be able to write up my diary entries from Ukraine and my visit to Chernobyl. I'm so excited to write up about my tour of Chernobyl and upload all of my pictures, of which there are A LOT and they really are quite overwhelming images. I'm not sure if I've said this in any of my previous posts (sorry, I don't feel like scrolling through to check, coz sleeepy), but basically, I want to spend a day or two writing about Chernobyl, because I made a lot of notes during the tour and I want to double check that everything is correct before I post it. I want to do it justice!

There will probably be a lot of posts coming at you thick and fast over the next few weeks. Brace yourselves!

XxX