The HIV Test: So... it turns out I'm a fainter

This morning I woke up brave and decided to have my required HIV Test. I couldn't get an appointment at my GP until mid-August, which would be too late, so I had to go to Wirral Sexual Health Clinic (Arrowe Park Hospital) to get it done.

I arrived at about 9.45am, I parked my car (yes, I drove myself there... error) and then walked to the hospital while cursing the fact that I’d had to park a million miles away. I got called in by my nurse (mid-50s, glasses, grey bobbed hair, quite small –I'm going to call her Grey Bob, because she never gave me her name) and she took me into a small room. I explained that I needed a HIV test and why. She then took me by surprise, telling me that there was a cost for the official results letter of £75. That’s when I should have fainted!!! Did not know about that one, you sneaky Russia and your hidden costs. She then asked me a few questions and went to check if there was a free room to do my test. The most important part of this story is probably the following conversation that took place as we walked to the testing room:

Grey Bob: “You’re not a fainter or a fitter are you?”

Me: “I don’t actually know. I've never had a blood test before, but I went with my friend for hers and I went really lightheaded.”

Grey Bob: “Well we don’t have any beds available so you can’t faint.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try not to.”

Grey Bob: “You’ll try not to, or you won’t?!”

Me: “...I won’t? But I can’t make any promises, although I do feel quite brave today actually.”

Grey Bob: “Good, because if you do faint, you’ll crack your head open on the marble floor.” (No Grey Bob, it was a laminate floor, not marble -I should know, I came close to ‘cracking my head open on it’)

The blood test in itself was fine; I even watched the end of it. Like I said, I was feeling brave. The test finished, I held my cotton wool on my arm... you know what’s coming next. I then fainted. Next thing I knew, I was coming round, confused about where I was, with a pair of hands on my shoulders and Grey Bob in my face saying, ‘Hannah, Hannah?’. I have never fainted before, and I'm sure we all can agree that undergoing your first blood test and having your first faint is quite an experience. You’d maybe expect a bit of compassion from Grey Bob, who has chosen a career in caring? Yeah? Well, you’d be wrong. Very wrong. Instead I got a good telling-off from Grey Bob for fainting (LIKE I COULD HELP IT!!!!! ), before calling in another nurse, who was a lot nicer and gave me a biscuit -a Jammy Dodger. I also then got a lecture off Grey Bob on how I’d fainted, because I hadn't had breakfast and then she moaned about how she ‘hates it when people come in early and don’t have their breakfast’, I just sat there apologising while my vision switched from clear to grey.

While I ate my Jammy Dodger, Grey Bob told me that I looked so pale I was almost transparent. Helpful, made me feel much better. Thanks for that one, Grey Bob. I kept looking down at my hands, seeing my nails and thinking, ‘Jesus! Look how pale my nails are. If my nails are this pale, I must be SUPER pale!!'.. I was wearing pearly-white nail varnish. What a fool.

 

Aforementioned 'Pale Nails'

I went down to the café for a cup of tea, regretting my decision of being independent and driving myself to the hospital. Queued for a cup of tea and some toast. Got told off for ordering my toast at the wrong point. Brilliant. Ate burnt toast and drank tea. Drove home.

Overall, I would like to say, Grey Bob is not a caring, compassionate soul. I'm blaming her for my shitty experience and for not asking me to begin with if I’d had breakfast/waiting until there was a bed available to do the test. Also, I wish they didn't do blood tests in your arm crease!! (It probably has an official name? Okay, I've just been told by my sister (nurse) that it's called the 'antecubital fossa', I was just going to go for 'inner-elbow'.) I actually use that bit of my arm! Now it's all twingey! Boo! 

Today I'll be taking it easy, ordering myself some treats online for being brave-ish and I'll be putting in a complaint about Grey Bob. -That goes without saying really.

If you still haven’t had your HIV Test, I suggest you have breakfast, avoid nurses with grey bobs and insist on a bed if you even suspect you’ll faint. At least you can go in with the knowledge that it’ll probably be significantly more successful than mine.

XxX